Blago balls

Ever the attention whore, Hillary figures it's good time to get back in the spotlight.

With a twist on the Rev. Jesse Jackson - Barack Obama "I wanna cut his nuts off" remark, Hillary explains to New York Gov. David Paterson her technique to "grab and crush" Blagojevich's balls.

Paterson winced.

Blagoed

Snarling at the Associated Press, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich bristled at the news wire's misquotes that read:

AP News - (Gov. Blagojevich) kissed his state SUV, rode in his wife to the office and sat down on a bust of Lincoln at his desk Thursday behind an American flag to portray "a return to normalcy."

Still shouting as AP News quickly apologized and issued restatements, Gov. Rod said, "It was supposed to say, 'Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich kissed his wife, rode in his state SUV to the office and sat down at his desk Thursday behind a bust of Lincoln and an American flag to portray 'a return to normalcy!'"

anything goes

With members of Congress hard up for money due to the financial crisis, House Republican leader, Rep. John A. Boehner, R-Ohio leads two others on a "Trip to Strip" any fixtures they can see in the Capitol they could get money for by auctioning them on eBay.

Marble from the floors are also included in the money hunt.

When Rep. John Salazar, D-Colo. (left, unseen) reaches for Boehner's purple tie to sell, the House Republican leader intercepts Salazar's cash-strapped hand, to feign a friendly shake.

The two other men keep their distance.

the semi-round table

Seen in the picture discussing the following issues:

Referring to his recent election, at his first news conference, Obama said, "It is not going to be easy for us to dig ourselves out of the hole that we are in."

"The No. 1 priority is about seances with dead presidents and the appeal of animal shelter dogs that are mutts like me," said Obama.

"The United States has only one government at a time," he assured, though it is not exactly known what he meant.

Regarding his doggie selection, he confirmed, "I think that the plan that we've put forward is the right one, but obviously over the next several weeks and months...." then lowered his head and nodded off.

the measure of a man

Ex-president George Bush reveals the true dimensions of his male pride, saying, "Obama, as I understand African Americans are known for their... size, is likely to run America with different measures than I have."

voting day?

Casting his vote at the ballot box, McCain votes for Obama.

His aids quickly reminded him he was supposed to vote for himself.

"I knew I was forgetting something! It's this tie my wife insisted I wear. I punched three of the dots out before I realized it wasn't the voting machine!" admitted a confused McCain.

more than finger pointing

Blaming Obama in a new attack campaign, McCain holds hand of Michael Mineo in a hospital room. Telling the press:

"Obama is responsible for what happened to this man," (forcefully sodomized). "This is what you can expect Obama to do to you and to your kids if he's elected President."

"I was violated," said Michael Mineo. "How do you think I'm supposed to feel?"

shaping up

Plant grows into the shape of a Hindu god



Another plant grows into the shape of Sarah Palin

Goin' horsey

Jean Marie Elledge, 57, the Carnation woman charged with starving her horses to death.

Elledge told the court that she was "unaware" that the horses she had been caring for were sick and starving. She said in one case she didn't know a horse was in bad shape because the animal wore a blanket.

"I should have put my fingers under the blanket and checked. Ironically, I'm constantly putting my fingers under my blanket and checking," she said, with a giggle.

In another case, she didn't know because she dressed the horse up like Liberace. "I was giving him piano lessons, and teaching him to play the Pull My Finger game, at the same time."

Judge Jeffrey Ramsdell: "I hope the memory of what you DID SEE will remain forever clear."

Jean: "The memory of what?"

Judge Ramsdell: "I just tried a case last week where a farmer let his pigs starve. You couldn't even find bacon! This is more disgusting than the skinny pigs! The week before that, it was the starving chickens! Their beaks fell off! This is more disgusting than the beakless birds!"

Jean: "Beakless birds?"

Judge Ramsdell: "Before that, it was the case of the shriveling sheep at old McDonald's farm! I'm getting sick of this! Chickens and horses and pigs, oh my! Chickens and horses and pigs, oh my!"

To which, Jean replied with a yawn. "I gave 'em some hay, some straws, I figured it was enough. What do you expect from me, to haul around bails on my back? I don't eat that much!"

The judge pointed out, Jean's weight being 295 pounds, that could be debated.

Judge Ramsdell: "My burning question is where was your breeding farm??"

Jean: "Near my house."

Judge Ramsdell: "But, where is your house?"

Jean: "Next to the highway, well, closer to Pete's farm."

Judge Ramsdell: "No, I mean, WHERE do you think IN AMERICA... you see? I'm just trying to point out...."


Jean: "In America? Of course it's America! It's right down the road from here, about 6 miles."

Judge Ramsdell: "No, no, no! I mean what makes you think you have the right to...."

Jean: "Who gave me the right? The right to what? Horses are not without crimes. They kick, they buck, they bite, they breed all the time. You ever seen how a horse is hung? I mean, talk about a weapon! I got to trim those studs down! What are you, the Horse Savior?"

Judge Ramsdell: "I believe you have joined the ranks of incorrigibles. The worst form of cowardice and exploitation."

Jean: "I object. Using dirty words is uncalled for."

King County Animal Control officers went to Elledge's Carnation farm and found four dead horses, one emaciated foal and nine other emaciated horses without food or drinkable water.

"'Emaciated'?" Jean responded, surprised at the allegations. "I wouldn't call being able to store playing cards between their ribs, 'emaciated.'"

Animal-control agents said they found no food for the animals at the Carnation property. To which, Jean protested, "No food? There was plenty of food. I just kept it safely stored away, in case they ever needed it."

Bonnie Hammond, a rescue worker from Save a Forgotten Equine, told the court that a 6-month-old filly was so infected with parasites that it led to severe complications requiring the horse to be euthanized.

Judge Ramsdell: "You mean you shot it?"
Bonnie Hammond: "Right between the eyes."

Not only could Ms. Elledge not care for the horses in her possession, but she made more by continuing to breed her mares and produce more foals — none of which she could afford to feed.

Elledge told the court she was providing her own food by visiting the food bank.

"The horses never took to the Hamburger Helper, and Uncle Ben's Wild Pudding mix. It's not my problem they don't like jello," Jean said.

Elledge sold numerous horses over 12 years to Rob's Juicy Ribs, a local restaurant, and had plans to breed quality horses.

She also said she hired people to feed the horses and didn't check to see if they were doing their job. "These are professional horse feeders, and I'm supposed to check up on them?" Jean asked, standoffishly.

Elledge's family and a teenage niece, who lives with her, said she was an animal-lover and a deeply compassionate person. They asked the court to give her home detention.

"Let her stay in the barn, away from the chocolate bunt cakes in the pantry," said Jean's 14-year old niece, "Little Angel," who, it is surmised, has a minor weight problem, having crushed the last 13 scales she stepped on.
In sentencing Elledge, Ramsdell referenced the quote, "the measure of a society is how it treats its weakest members."

To which, Jean replied, "Be as you wish to seem."

Judge Ramsdell: "From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate."

Jean: "And what is the food of the soul? Surely, I said, knowledge is the food of the soul."

Judge Ramsdell: "Wisdom begins in wonder."

Jean: "At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."

Judge Ramsdell: "People treat their cars better than you treated these animals."

Jean: "You wouldn't say that if you saw the cars in my neighborhood. I even tried getting money by selling my new invention for cars: a sun visor for convertibles. I spent $43,000 on the prototype, and went to Ford, GM, Toyota and Honda. They all said they already had a similar product. A roof!"

Elledge was given three weeks to get her affairs in order before reporting to jail.

Jean: "Can I work on my other invention, a silent megaphone? Now, protesters and monks can meet!"

Elledge faces five counts of first-degree animal cruelty in Snohomish County for letting horses die and live in filthy conditions on her property.

"'Filthy conditions?'" Jean protested. "Three of the horses live in my bedroom! I wouldn't call it 'filthy.' We took showers together!"

"It was horrifying. It was a bunch of walking skeletons on the property," Dr. Hannah Evergreen, a rescue worker, said. "It was horrific to know that we didn't get there in time for all of them."

Dr. Evergreen admitted she was busy at the mobile show horse clinic she had set up 100 feet away from Jean's farm for the last 6 months. "I noticed nothing unusual besides horses dressed up like Mick Jagger."

Many of the rescued horses were adopted after being nursed back to health, but not all of them made it. One died months after being rescued due to complications from an infestation of worms.

"A couple of the males are staying with me in my living room. I raise worms for fishing so it all works out in the end," Hannah said.

After she completes her sentence, Elledge will be on probation for one year, and a judge ordered that she keep no animals or pets for five years.

Jean bickered: "Not even a turtle? How do you even starve a turtle? Can't they go, like, six weeks without eating? Seems they'd make the perfect pet for me. How about a dove for a peace offering? I promise to clean its cage every 4 months!"

Judge Ramsdell: "How did you even get through, I mean, step over, I mean, get around, go over the dead, to get to the living horses?"

Jean bickered: "You mean, how did I wade through the dead horses? I put on dead horse flippers. You can buy 'em over at Mini and Marty's Feed and Grain Supplies. They're like elf shoes."

"Elf shoes!" the judge screamed. "My brother Bob wears those!" Ramsdell said reflexively, then blushed. A hush fell over the court room.

Judge Ramsdell told Jean the way she treated her horses was "despicable."

"I wouldn't treat my own dogs like that," said Judge Ramsdell. "My wife, yes. My dogs, never."

The court was told she fed the animals small amounts of poor quality hay and allowed them to starve each winter while she lived in her house with the furnace blasting.

"I admit, I spent their food money on heating but, I needed to stay warm!" she exclaimed. "I'm not going out there in the winter -- not me! I like to stay comfy and snuggle with my bonbons."

Elledge told the judge she had no idea her horses were in such poor health.

Jean: "I did notice they were glassy-eyed and fell over a lot but, I thought that's just what horses do."

Lilly was a foal when animal control officers saved her from Jean Marie Elledge's pasture. Skinny and sick, she was still better off than the four horses found dead on the Carnation property. Horse rescue workers thought there might be a chance for her.

Jean pulled the foal one way by the tail, rescue workers pulled it the other way by its mane, "I want the horse in my house!" Jean screamed at the workers.

"We apologized to her (the foal) for what had happened to her," said Bonnie Hammond, a Save a Forgotten Equine worker who took her final bath with Lilly before shooting her in the head.

"We'll never know the horse she could have been," she said, on her way to a seance to contact Lilly. "We stay in touch. Lilly said she's watching the trial, or the trail, I couldn't make it out due to Lilly's hoarse throat. She told me to tell other horse owners who neglect horses to 'buck off.'"

"Help was never more than a phone call away," a rescue worker said. "The problem was getting the horses to use the phone."

Attempting to contradict police and a former worker at her pasture, Elledge said she usually fed her horses high-grade hay. Only in the past three years had financial pressures forced her to buy lower quality feed and feed them sparingly, she said.

"Fifty-gallon cans of beans from Smart and Final isn't exactly cheap, you know! But, they weren't satisfied with that, were they? Were they!" Jean yelled at the judge.

"I'm trying myself to understand what happened," Elledge said. "I didn't see the horses starving. And, it's not that I have 'selective vision' like they say. I may just watch a little too much Days Of Our Lives."

Elledge's sisters asked for leniency to allow Elledge to continue to care for her teenage niece (seen in a photo leaving the courtroom) who lives with her.

"Yeah, who's going to go shopping for the bunt cakes, now!" the niece, Little Angel, shouted at the judge while wallowing restlessly in the 3 front row seats she took up that cracked and strained to support her girth.

Allowing that Elledge may not be well mentally, Ramsdell noted that she had no difficulty taking care of herself. Jean blushed and giggled.

"My first inclination was to sentence you to eat poor quality hay for 3 months," he told Jean. "But then I realized I am a U.S. judge, and I must abide by laws," said Judge Ramsdell.

Elledge told the judge she did not mean the horses any harm.


"I think I was so blinded by this idea of, you know, 'it's gonna work,' that I just had my head in the sand," she said.

"What's going to work?" The judge asked.

Jean: "Horse Dating. First, I teach them bedroom etiquette. Then, they telemarket to get dates.. Fifty horses working full time, I'd be in clover!"

The judge ordered a mental evaluation of Elledge. The rescue workers ordered a mental evaluation of Judge Ramsdell. A superior court judge ordered a mental evaluation of the rescue workers. The superior court judge also ordered mental evaluations for the remaining horses; the results of which he wants immediately.

"I'm working on a screenplay of The New Mr. Ed, and that Horse Dating is not a bad idea," the superior court judge concluded.

a sinking scenario

LONDON - Millvina Dean. Now 96, the last survivor of the tragic Titanic sinking has resorted to selling mementos of the disaster to help pay her nursing home fees.

Proudly displaying an engraved silver flask with the initials JBK on it, Millvina reflected, "This is from a gentleman who was hanging on the railing screaming, "HELP! HELP!" I relieved him of it. I figured he didn't need it, as a wave washed over him the final time. He actually tried climbing back up several times. I was there. But, you know, those railings, with the salt water, so slippery," she said, gazing out her window, then shooting a quick, nervous look at the interviewer. "I should get at least 40 bucks for this."

After the Titanic, investigators think she may have started boarding ships and pushing people over after taking their stuff, for a living.



"These glasses I got from a 21-year old gymnast with bad eyesight. My earrings, from a 35-year old housewife on her way to Portugal." Smiling broadly, she continued, "My dentures are courtesy of an elderly man from Denmark in a wheelchair. We were watching the moon one night. It rolled so easily over the edge. He actually was never missed. No inquires, nothing. Now, I wish I had kept his wheelchair, and just tossed him overboard. I've sold over 50 sets of dentures, so far. But, I can't complain. Overall, I've earned a good living. Thank God for eBay!"

Her doctor is not sure if she has borderline Tourette's, or if she is just pissed off at the nursing home staff.

"I took a nice Rolex off Mr. Wilson. He has Alzheimer's and couldn't remember it was his. He kept asking me, 'Have you seen Mr. Allen's watch?' We don't even have a Mr. Allen here."

Rescued from the bitterly cold Atlantic on that April night, Dean, her brother and her mother were taken to New York and were given a small wicker suitcase of donated clothing and "a few other little items," she and her mother were able to nab before they were rescued. Now, Dean is selling the suitcase and other Titanic mementos to help pay her nursing home fees.

Some are skeptical that Dean was even on the Titanic, let alone about the Titanic memorabilia. "A K-Mart Waffle Zone waffle maker?" said a concerned patron of the arts. "Two packs of Mr. T's underwear? A Pez dispenser with a boat and a 'T' marked on it?"

Among the items are "rare prints" of the Titanic she picked up at Kinkos/FedEx copy center a little earlier that day, and "letters from the Titanic Relief. You can tell they're authentic," she assured. "They have 'sea water' marks on them. Very old sea water stains," she said, tossing a "letter" onto a stack kept next to her turtles' 30-gallon aquarium tank.

But the key item in the sale is the suitcase, said auctioneer Andrew Aldridge. "They would have carried their little world in this suitcase," he said Thursday.

Millvina just smiled as she quietly folded her credit card bill from Sears listing 56 suitcases purchased in the last month.

Dean resides at Woodlands Ridge, a private nursing home in the Titanic's home port city of Southampton.

"I am not able to live in my home anymore, since it was foreclosed on," Dean was quoted as telling the Southern Daily Echo newspaper. "I am selling it all now because I have to pay these nursing home fees and am selling anything that I think might fetch some money."

Several piles of lingerie from Victoria's Secret, Dean relabeled, Millvina's Titanic Majora Sexy Muffin Wear lay nearby.

A spokeswoman for Woodlands Ridge said Dean was too tired Thursday to speak to The Associated Press. "Being an entrepreneur, a girl's got to get her rest," she exclaimed with a wink.

She said rooms at the nursing home cost between $1,000 and $1,550 a week, depending on the level of care the resident needs. Dean's 12 rooms she subleases, although at a discounted rate, fetch $100 to $150 per client for 1 to 2 hour visits with women Dean only refers to as Millvina's girls. "I encourage the girls to bring in 5 or 6 clients a day but, you know, when they hit 75 they get lazy. I'm making a living but, it's hard," Millvina complained.

Local authorities often pay a portion of the costs of private nursing home care based on an individual's assets; who, ironically, happen to be among Dean's most active customers.

She has no memories of the sinking and said she preferred it that way.

"I wouldn't want to remember, really," she told The Associated Press in a 1997 interview. By coincidence, Dean lost most of her memory at 85.

Dean said she had seen the 1958 film, "A Night to Remember," with other survivors, but found it so upsetting that she declined to watch any other movies about the disaster. She did give rave reviews to a 2006 film, also called, A Night To Remember, starring Jenna Jameson, Jesse Jane and Aria Giovanni. "That one I watched a ten times," she said, pointing to several dozen of the DVDs neatly placed on her dresser, for which she's also a reseller.



As she was heading off on another boat cruise she passed a detective standing in the hall outside her room, brushing past him with a sneer.

Investigator Samuels: "How can we try a criminal who doesn't even remember her crimes? It would take $3 million to investigate and prosecute. Even if we convicted her, we're going to put her in prison for what, 3 weeks? She's 96!"

just checking

Obama and McCain take part in the customary Candidate Bad Breath test.
Both failed.

the have and the all-you-can-haves

Illinois sheriff stops serving eviction notices

"I can't keep doing this and have a good conscience about it," the Sheriff said. "Not like with my dogs where I can keep beating them and I have no conscience."

Sheriff Thomas Dart is suspending foreclosure evictions in Cook County, well, actually, just on the street one Janet Singnette lives on. And, on streets Celeste Hobucket, Katy Konstant, Vicky Phillups, Cathy O'Conner, Sharon Beckonski and Susan Laidwaste live on. Though, the Sheriff vehemently denies any professional-personal factor conflicts involved. He just calls them "innocent victims of circumstance."

Illinois sheriff scolds banks for evictions of 'innocent' renters

"Let's just say I'm 'into' scolding, and leave it at that," the Sheriff confirmed.

The county had been on track to reach a record number of mortgage foreclosures evictions. The tenants the Sheriff is not evicting also set track records, at the local college.

"Many good tenants are suffering because owners have fallen behind on their mortgage payments!" he exclaimed on CNN. "Can't you imagine what better uses these tenants have for their behinds?"

"These poor people are seeing everything they own put out on the street. I'm not about to let them put out without having me involved. Here I am with my battering ram. It's insane!" Dart said.

Mortgage companies are supposed to identify a building's occupants before asking for an eviction. "I can do much better at identifying. And it's NOT like what they say, that I base my eviction decisions on the measurements of the tenants," the Sheriff added angrily.

"The banking industry has not done the work they should do. It's a piece of paper to them!" Dart said. "These tenants are more than just 'pieces' to me," he said, zipping up his fly.

"These mortgage companies don't care who gets hurt along the way. I do!" the Sheriff admitted. "These tenants care about getting hurt."

Dart said he wants the courts or the state Legislature to establish protections for those most harmed by the mortgage crisis. He's sending the state Legislature a list with 7 names and 4 "potential names" on it.

In 2006, Cook County had 18,916 mortgage foreclosure cases filed, and last year, 32,269 were filed. This year's total is expected to exceed 43,000.

"18-32-43, you see? These are the type of numbers I'm talking about," Dart said, enthusiastically.

"The people we're interacting with are, many times, oblivious to the financial straits their landlord are in," Dart explained. "And, many other times, after I visit them, they're just oblivious," he added, as an empty Jack Daniels bottle rolled out of his squad car's half-open door.

The Illinois Bankers Association bitterly opposed the plan, saying that Dart "should serve the eviction notices, not just serve the tenants. The reality is, he is carrying out 'vigilantism,' the Illinois banking industry is working hard to help troubled homeowners in many ways," it said.

"I wouldn't call what I do 'vigilantism,'" the Sheriff retorted with a smile. "I also work in many ways."

"I think the outrage on my part with them is that they could so cavalierly issue documents telling me to throw people out who have played by all the rules," the Sheriff challenged. "I happen to know personally these tenants play 'Calvary' by all the rules. Now they have to choose between cavalier and Calvary? I don't think so."

"They're blindly sending me out to houses where I'm coming upon innocent tenant after innocent tenant. The only time I care to be blinded is when I'm blindfolded, playing Calvary - Ride The Pony," the Sheriff acknowledged, adjusting his belt in a swaggering motion.

Oh Our Dear Bush...

Before they switch on his mic, US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke silently contemplates his lines for praying to President Bush.

inner reflections

Man contemplates the Sacred Text instructing him to stand in front of mirrors in a white coat wearing a big hat.

not exactly holy ground

Moses lookalike realizes he just laid in a cow plop, and for the kids' sake, tries not to break his straight face.

holy video games!

Devout worshippers take a break to play Super Mario Bros video game.

thus read Ishmuck

Reading the Sacred Text instructing him to sit next to a pond with a big hat while dressed in a white coat and read Sacred Text, Hyman Ishmuck goes on his third day.

"I'll admit, my butt is getting sore," lamented Ishmuck.

in one ear and...

An orthodox practitioner (middle) takes a break from being holy to look deeply into his friend's ear.

called off the mountain

With Plan Two failing miserably, they scrap the whole deal and become gang members.

oh sea can you say

With the sea trick not working, the would be oil drillers try Plan Two: Climbing to Heaven to have a little talk with God Himself.

open seas me

In their quest to get oil by offshore drilling, a group of men in Israel suddenly get the idea to see if God will part the sea for them.

the Bail is out

Iraqi insurgents read condensed versions of the Bailout plan, and praise Allah.